On the Freaks Whom I Call Friends

So raise your glass if you are wrong

In all the right ways

All my underdogs, we will never be, never be

Anything but loud

And nitty gritty dirty little freaks

(Raise Your Glass, Pink)

Looking at the present, we'd find that people are somewhat getting weirder and weirder. Things that are once seen as unacceptable is now rampant, things once seen as stupid now dominate mass media, things that were generally bad, are now seen as norm. Call it a liberation of ideas, call it eventual acceptance of what is in the essence right, but just not seen so at present, call it evolution of the human mind , but as a person and a muslim specifically, I do not see how these things liberate a person. More so, I can clearly see how these things trap a human into dependence on other human beings, just people craving for words of acceptance from other people, to have a kick of dopamine into their ventral tegmental area.

As pointed out by a dear friend in his blog post, is there hope for this world to be once again a place where good dominates over...non-good? A question that, to my great relief is being asked and addressed by many of my peers today. 

In the time where people are nose diving into hedonism and shamelessness sugar coated with terms like 'freedom of expression', 'rights' and 'modernism', it is great to know that there are people taking active measures to get people to the right path.

Though I dare not admit to being in the likes of such people, I would loudly exclaim my support and agreement to their efforts. This is the least I could do.

And as any classical tale of good versus evil, justice versus tyranny, there will be characters in the tale that would describe us in real life.

Firstly there's the status quo that practices evil and the people doing their best to uphold that. Then there's the people living in the status quo, some who agree to the conditions they are living in because it benefits them in one form or another, some who don't because it robs them of their rights and the majority of people who are hoping to make just enough to live without bothering others, even if it meant having to live and practice the status quo, all the while hoping for the better. And then there's the hero, who challenges the status quo, brings up their own army of the wronged and hurt and finally brings peace and justice to the kingdom.

Where do I stand amongst the characters of the tale? I do not fully know yet. But I believe that my limited experience in this life and some learning has unclouded my eyes, allowing me to see some of these characters in real life, in front of my eyes.

I've seen these heroes, who spend their time trying to get people to do good and change their mindsets from "its ok to live in this" into "this is clearly not right, and I have the power to make changes for the better". And I've seen the reaction of their peers towards them. And frankly,  I am saddened to see that while many just won't listen, some are even actively going against what they are doing. Its like telling a doctor who comes to your home to offer you help for your pain "Go away, I do not need you to complicate matters. I'll live with this pain in the back of my head all my life until I die, when finally I wont feel it anymore. And don't you dare going around to other people offering your medicines, they too don't need you". Its like a person knows there is a problem and they believe that there is a solution to it but they are not willing to listen to the options. And people who enjoin good are seen as weird and wrong and different from others, like humans in the default setting are not made to enjoin good. Well that is weird isn't it? Because everyone who is of respectable status and people who we love tell us to do good. Our parents tell us to do good, our teachers tell us to do good, our nation leaders tell us to do good.

And so why is it different if our peers tells us to do good? Why is it wrong for some people to spend their time enjoining good and why is it alright, or normal for some others to spend their times surfing the net for no particular reason? Why is it wrong for people to spend their money going to places to meet friends who also enjoin good  and while it is normal for others to spend whole heaps more to cross continents just to meet old friends? (N.B. dear reader that I'm not making these comparisons to highlight what is good and not, but simply to state what is accepted as normal and not) Oh yeah I forgot! Of course!  Because it is weird and freaky in the world we are living now for another person to care so much for another, that they take extra effort to ask the other to do good (because they believe that doing good will serve them well in this world and the next), and it is just unnecessary for people to teach and talk to others about doing good because "of course they know about it…they just…". And it is just normal for people to ask others to waste time  and money doing things of no benefit at all. Of course!

Well with that epiphany I just had I guess I can now stop my yapping. I'm starting to sound like one of those freaks.

He's dividing everyone

With his claim that God is One

So don't talk to me about Muhammad 

Because of him there is no peace and I have trouble in my mind

So dont talk to me about muhammad

And as we walk along together we will get along just fine

(Don't Talk about Muhammad, Dawud Wharnsby Ali)

Freaky in only so many ways

Azfar

 

(P.S : I think my posts are getting worse with each submission. But…. I'm blaming to relaxed atmosphere of the holidays for this, I usually have lots to write during the busiest times of the semester, it must the adrenaline. Hoping to post reading worthy material soon. )

Sometimes silence is the loudest kind of noise

Stuvac has just started and I've so much to catch up on. I practically wiped my hard drive clean from anything that had scalpels, protruding body parts, insufficient blood flow, milk producing organs, thermal cauterizations and everything else that's intense, sadistic, macho and tiring.

However I'd just like to post this quick entry to share with you guys this poem by Bassey Ikpi, on just how better it was during those days when everything was easy.

Gonna pass this semester like it doesn't really matter
Azfar

On seeing a beautiful girl on Facebook

Obligingly as always, I browsed through the Facebook page after cooking dinner for two, half an hour after I ran in the unforgiving torrential rain to my car parked on demon hill (refer to previous post) after hospital.

Going through everyone's lives, I saw 2 photos in which my sister was tagged.

The photos were taken on 29th of May 2011, the day of my sister's wedding!! It seems a bit unreal, there she was, in her wedding dress, very beautiful, more beautiful than always, with a guy who is now officially my brother in law!  Hmmmm...brother in law....its weird just saying it. But that was it, my sister is married now! I guess it is a bit weird because during that historic day, I was in Newcastle, reading a book on a rainy day, bored out of my skull, when everyone else were there, coming together, enjoying each others companies, celebrating my sister's wedding. My sister's wedding!! It makes me feel a bit sad looking at all those photos, because I feel a bit like a stranger, who was only able to browse through photographs without being there. If only I own an airplane!!!

Time flies so fast, yesterday we were walking around in a shopping mall holding each others hands (pretending we were lovers), the day before we were on the bus going to school in Putrajaya, the day before we were at school in the school choral speaking team, the day before we were getting on PakCik's bus to primary school, the day before we were children in the day care centre, the day before we were playing outside of the rented home in Gombak. My God!! It still seems unreal!

Anyhows, this quick entry is in the dedication of my sister, the only girl among us five. I wish the biggest Congratulations!! to her and her husband. For her to know that I feel the utmost happiness for her and her husband, and that we are so glad someone was actually willing to marry you!!! Hahaha..!! And to my brother in law, please take care of my sister with your best of abilities, make her happy, and please guide and teach her towards being happy now and in the Hereafter. She's very emotional at times, but she never fails to get back to being happy in a jiffy. Because that's what her name means; 'Joy'. I guess now I can say to Atok who told me "you are the one who's going to take care of your parents, your sister and brothers, no one else": I can say to her "thank God Atok! My bag is now lighter"  To both of you, may your first steps in marriage-hood be good and smooth ones, may you guys step in unity, understanding, coherence and love till the end of your lives and may you guys be able to help each other get up anytime you step on pebbles and stumble. And may babies who spring from you two be faithful and beautiful people, people who will make this world a better place in the future.

 Kalau ke laut susur gelombang, 

Jangan kemudi patah daunnya,

Kalau bertaut kasih dan sayang,

Jangan diuji dalamnya cinta,

Janganlah jangan diuji cinta 

(Joget Senyum Memikat, Siti Nurhaliza)

Can't wait to see the official photographs and videos!
Ahmad

The hidden power of smiling

Ron Gutman: The hidden power of smiling | Video on TED.com

Today is the kind of day I love. The registrar took the day off and the consultant wasn't anywhere to be found. The ward round was done by the intern and I. We went to the patients, asked them how they were going, checked their vital signs, checked that they've pooped earlier in the morning or anytime yesterday and went around smiling and waving around to the patients. Sweet. As sweet as a stolen kiss, as the Irish would say it.

The intern told me that I should go home as soon as possible and I, of course, not wanting to disappoint anyone in my team, obliged.

And so I went home early, switched the computer on and lounged around...for an hour or so. It is very nice.

Later I thought I'd have ample time to have a run before the sun sets. And so after Asr prayers, I took to the streets.

Just to inform all of you who may have never been to Gosford, the terrain here is very hilly. And so up and down I went. Until I met my arch nemesis, the hill going up to the Gosford Hospital. Usually I would just bring myself in baby steps up half the hill, and walk (with a rather comical facial expression, flaring nostrils and over enthusiastic arm swinging) up the other half.

Today however is a good day. And so I thought, I'll run up 3/4 of the hill! Good improvement for a good day! And so I ran (baby stepping still) up the hill, and around half way up the hill, my legs started to scream. Owh great, I dont know if I could do what I wanted to two seconds ago. And my pace started to fall, it was very much comparable to a drunk baby snail's.

But then I remembered this talk up here, and believing in the power of it's magic,(heeehee...) I forced a smile. You should've seen my face, it was twisted. Absolutely laughable. And I wont have anything against you for ROFL-ing at all! I was forcing myself to display my teeth to everyone who passed me in their cars. They must think I was on my way to the Psychiatric ward. But lo and behold! By the time I thought I was going to give up, and my smile was about to fade, I was already very close to the crest of the hill!! And mustering my last bits of strength to maintain a smile and keep my legs running, I made up the crest of the hill!!! *clap clap clap*. The feeling, to conquer that hill is just so great! And immediately I was in the mode: impossible is nothing! (thus this poorly planned entry and the bursts of short sentences)

So people, whenever you feel tired and everything inside you are screaming in pain, you might want to try a smile. You never know which hill it may help you climb.

Run easy
Azfar

On the man shaking in the chapel

 The content of the Friday prayer preach was on death. Given by a dear friend of mine, in the Gosford Hospital chapel, which is reserved for Friday prayers every 1.30 in the afternoon.

The text which he whizzed through was brief, cut short with the lunch time period in mind. It discussed the ever so popular topic of the questions you get asked by the angles in your grave upon your death and burial, the answer to them and the consequences of your answers on your conditions in limbo land.

For the 3 of us (half) listening to the talk, it was rather simply just a talk, a reminder that slightly tapped our souls for that period of time, bound to be forgotten upon seeing the patient waiting in the ED or the medication charts that need to be redone. A good reminder nonetheless.

After finishing the prayers, I was adamant on getting out of the chapel as quickly as possible, as I had a tutorial scheduled at two o'clock. After greeting the angels on both my shoulders, I quickly got up, stuffed my feet into my shoes and headed to the door.

I half-stormed out, nearly got to the exit when I saw a man, sitting in the chair in the furthermost corner of the chapel, slightly graying hair, in a hospital gown with a navy fleece jumper on top. He was looking down and was shaking. Visibly, coarsely shaking in his chair. I thought he must've just been there to pray, and so I thought I'll just slip in front of him in silence. When I was about to exit the chapel, he looked up, gave me the best smile he could've mustered and without prompt, he said "Sorry, I'm just here to thank God. I just had a near death experience a week ago. I died and the doctors brought me back again. Its like God doesn’t want me yet, I still have things to do here. I'm sorry, I didn’t know about this (the reserved chapel for Friday prayers).Its interesting, we're both from different religions but...."

I stood still in the doorway, one hand holding the door open,  the other not knowing what to do, caught dead in thin air. This guy has been listening to the preach. He listened, and was molested. Molested by the words, touched inside so deep, he was shaking from it.

How I wish I could have stayed with him and hear his story, my heart screamed "screw the tute! This guy needs someone to talk to"  but my head whispered "I'm late for tute, I should just say something brief and go". In the end, as always, my head got his way. I gently touched his elbow which he held close to his body, like hugging a long lost friend, and said "you take care" and went out.

The conversation had me thinking a bit while walking to tute. The gravity of his words was colossal. "I still have things to do here".

That had me thinking. When was the last time I shook at the thought of dying with my work here unfulfilled?

I wish I could elaborate more on this, but the medical course awaits. However reader dear, know that this post shall be tended to again sometime in the future. I just thought that it's been a while since I posted an entry, so this half boiled excuse on an entry shall have to do for the time.

Until I get to continue on this post, lets just all  think about what things we have to do in this world and what are our efforts at them. Not many of us are as lucky to learn the lesson of purpose through death and rebirth, but most of us are lucky enough to learn it through the experience of others. 

 "Its like God doesn’t want me yet, I still have things to do here" (The man shaking in the chapel, 2011)

You take care

Azfar

On why The Joker will never stop and the Batman should think of alternatives

And they say that a hero can save us,

I'm not gonna stand here and wait,

I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles,

Watch as we all fly away
(Hero, Chad Kroeger)

In the many years that I've lived, I've been blessed enough to meet many people who thought me, directly through their opinions and indirectly through their actions and experiences, things I have had problems with comprehending. 

I remember one day at school when a dear friend decided to ask a question to our teacher. It was a rather naughty question, which he decided to ask after some friction between the guys and the girls at school about a topic my brain couldn’t retrieve anymore. Obviously it was a rather trivial issue, if not, I think even my humble brain would be able to remember it better.  The question was "do we need to change ourselves in order to join a group?"

The answer to the question, given by Ustaz Azam after the dusk namaz was quite a good one. We were in the Al- Qadisiyah mosque, all a hundred plus of us from the 2005 class, staying at school for the big exam, SPM (Sijil Penentu Masa Depan, as a teacher of ours had once printed on the last page of a trial paper). 

He said change is like driving on the highway. You face only one direction, forwards, and you have 3 lanes. A slow lane for the more relaxed, the right lane for the fast ones who want to get to their destination with only their destination in mind, and the middle lane for the ones in between. It’s ok to choose whichever lane you would like to drive on, but you shouldn’t drive on the opposite direction, because that spells danger and death. Good...isn’t it?

Many people though find it awfully hard to change. Certainly is the case for yours truly. Because it feels better if someone could come and carry us to our destination. Like Batman who catches all the crooks and stuffs them into jail and Oprah who would have her crew clean and makeover a messed up house. But I think even Batman and Oprah would get sick of doing things for people, because they would know that these instant magical remedies are not addressing the root of the problem. So even if Batman could stuff The Joker again and again into Arkham Asylum, The Joker once out will continue to bring trouble, because he doesn’t want to change. 

Which brings me to a point. An uncle of mine once answered my cousin's honest question of "how did you stop smoking?" with a simple "I wanted to stop, and so I stopped". That quick answer probably summarized a longer one in the best of ways.  The thing you probably need most for change to happen is a clear goal. What is it that you truly want? Do you sincerely want the change that you verbalize to others or to yourself? Because if you really want it, you will get it. So when my school counselor asked me about the secret to my SPM result, I didn’t know what to answer him. Because there wasn’t a secret, there was just a goal, the will to achieve it, the effort and the faith that if you believe in God and try as hard as you can, God will not forsake you. But I guess I'll bite my tongue and say that the above was probably an oversimplification.  Because obviously we have variables in our lives, and forces outside of our control that interplay into the whole complex affecting us. As much as we would like to have complete power over our lives, we should understand that in reality, for us humans, there isn't such a thing as complete power. But we can certainly try to woo these factors into helping us to change. But that is a different story altogether, probably someone's social science thesis paper for all I know. So I shall not indulge myself in a typing frenzy for that. 

Believe me dear reader when I say that change is a cyclic process. That is what we learn from psychiatric lectures. That people are bound to relapse in the process of changing. The thing that makes a person finally change is their will and persistence, and a faith that their hard work will not go to waste. So it’s ok if you relapse and fall. You just need to know that you can rise again. If it’s too hard to rise again in that very moment, take a break, reflect and then try again. If it’s too hard to stand up by yourself, hold out your hand and ask for help. Because someone will eventually grasp your hand and help you up. Believe me.  You are worth the efforts of another.

Which brings me to another point. That is about helping people to change. I've heard again and again in dramas, both on TV and in real life, how in arguments, a person would say "you need to change. Unless you change, this is not going anywhere". Look, it’s easy to tell someone to change, and wait for them to reach their destinations by themselves.  But I think it’s more enriching and rewarding if we could hold their hands and walk with them along the way. It will tell the person that "hey! I'm here for you. I'll help you through because I care about you and I want to see you become a better person" and I believe, through personal experience that it means the whole world to them. And who knows, we probably could learn a thing or two from the journey together. So don’t be greedy people! Help each other change! Share and learn from each other! Remind in the spirit of love and brotherhood!  

Which brings me to the final point of this entry. About the power of the individual. We’ve heard again and again that change starts with you. That one person can affect the whole world. One person can send off a tsunami that can shake the whole ocean of people around them. It is possible. At least I believe so. And so if you see something that needs changing, whatever it is, you should take action to change it. And it’s ok to be the one who starts the changing. You will be amazed at how your actions will affect another person and how it can cascade and become larger until finally the change you brought will be practiced by all.  Don’t underestimate the influence you have on others, you have more power than you might think.

Easier said than done. But you'd never know until you try. So give it a try people! Set your end point, look up the road map, get into a car, drive in the lane of your choice, and get to your destination! You don’t have to wait for a hero to get you there.

Because the hero of the story is you.

Always wanted to be an X-Man

Azfar 

p.s.: Reading this before closing it just made me think about how disorganized and messed up this entry is.  Nevertheless I hope that all of us got something from reading this.  As I've constantly said, in hopes of defending my mediocrity in thinking, you've probably read this from a lot of other places with better articles but I'd like to remind myself of this anyways. As a friend of mind kindly told me when I asked them if my blog was boring "it's your blog, who gives a damn anyway?”  Anyhow I'd appreciate comments from whoever it is. As it is written up there, sharing (is supposed to) makes everything better.

On the 7 shirts that I have and the pants to go with them

I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers. (Kahlil Gibran)

My heart can never have enough.

I mean, there's always the latest gadgets launched, the newer, funner games released, the more comfortable shoes, the warmer jackets, the clearer and bigger media screens, the bigger engined cars, the better looking pair of jeans, the wider and further zooming lens and so many other things that I need to have. If my heart could have his way, my room would've been filled with new things every week, some I may need, more, I do not.

Sadly, and quite to my relief, my financial flow would not allow this to happen. Sad, but I'm alright with that. I mean, surely it would be nice to be able to afford a new laptop when the current one hangs every 15 minutes, and its 'Enter' key dangles around threatening to rob me off my 'enter'ing rights every time I hit it with enthusiasm, or to go to Japan and New York and Istanbul to see the great cities, or to have an SLR camera to finally start following the trend or at least to have a fancy robot alarm clock to wake you up with cheer in the morning that I've wanted for 2 years now!!
http://www.thegreenhead.com/2008/09/temper-tantrum-throwing-alarm-clock.php

But it has come to my realization that I can be absolutely happy without having those things. In fact, I'd probably be happier if I decided to stop thinking about them and direct the energy to my mastication muscles to eat a bar of chocolate instead.

Frankly, I must say that during these years as a medical student on a scholarship, I have been richer than I have ever been throughout my entire life! Not rich enough to be able to afford a swanky new Mac Book Pro or the amusingly overrated IPad or to go to New Zealand or Tokyo for a 2 week trip; but I have enough to never have to go hungry, to be able to drive around in my beloved shared car, to be able to call people without having to constantly glance at the screen to see how long I've been on the line, to have 7 shirts which I could rotate and match with different pants to not appear to wear the same things to work every week, to drink good coffee at Gloria Jean's on a weekly basis and to do so many things. So many things, all at the expense of my own money.

It's a common thing to see in Facebook statuses nowadays, but I don't think I can ever remind myself of this enough.

That the fact that I am here, able to post this entry on a personal laptop, in a house (lets leave the issue of who's paying rent for this particular house aside), safe and sound, with a block of Black Forest chocolate on my side, breathing and beating in health, means that I am much more fortunate than many millions of others in this world.

And the fact that you, dear readers, are able to read this post on whatever it may be, a computer at the Uni, or your laptop or your mobile phone also means the same thing.

That God has granted us so much more in terms of facility and wealth than a lot more of the world's population.

I may not have everything that my heart desire, but I've never not have enough. And it makes life easier when I think of things that way.

So with this in mind, I'd like to thank God for firstly the faith he has granted me, for the Prophet and the message he brought to the world, for the health that I've lived in for 22 years, for my family, my brothers and sisters, for friendships, new, old, forgotten and everlasting, for mentors and teachers, for people I have met and have learned from, for knowledge and the capacity to understand, for opportunities in life, for successes and failures I have lived through, for good memories, for mistakes I have made, for clear and blue skies after a tiring day at hospital, for beautiful fishes, cute pandas and fluttering butterflies, for music and poetry and how good they are at expressing my feelings , and the list goes on. Owh and I almost forgot, for you!  dear reader who spends time reading my posts!!

Try as I might, I'll never be able to count all the favours that God has given me. It's not just my personal opinion, but wisdom from the Divine.

And if you were to count Allah's favors, you would not be able to number them; most surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. [Sūrah al-Nahl: 18]

Just loving it

Azfar

p.s.:

For those book lovers out there and those who read all the time, a nice quote for you:

Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing (To Kill a Mocking Bird, Harper Lee)