On The Second Cannula That Nearly Made Me Cry

It must have been three or four months since my last entry on this blog. For those who have been anticipating my writing for the duration, I apologize for two things; firstly for the silence, the presence of which has always scared me for I've always feared the unknown. Secondly for the upcoming silences that I predict will happen over this next year as I ease myself into this new and exciting part of my life.

Given the chance, spirit, time, and a swanky new keyboard, I would love nothing more than to type my experiences away for a shameless expose' of my life over the past few months. The current circumstances though, dictate otherwise. Most nights I get too tired to open my eyes after the clock strikes ten and my fingers crave nothing more than just a handful of blanket while my mind whirled into sweet respite, trying to forget the expectations of tomorrow and the mistakes of today.

I am not by any means trying to relay spite or hatred towards my occupation, in fact, I love it ! Yes, I get to do nothing more than secretary work day in and day out, answering to superiors about things I cannot and could never control, things I don’t fully understand about; but I find the successful difficult cannulas, the prescribing of aperients to constipated patients to good effect, explaining situations to people about themselves and families in ways that make them feel calmer and safer, and supporting fellow interns on days when things get just too much; absolutely joyful.

And during these thirty days that I have started working; there have been days when things go smoothly, expectedly, and unexpectedly  so. And these days make me feel grateful. On the other end though, there have been days when shit happens, expectedly and unexpectedly, and so much so; I felt that I was just barely keeping my head above the water.

This short period of time has also shown me so much in practicality about the ethical issues that were discussed in Uni.

Don’t get emotionally involved with patients. That is what they have always taught us. And this self has always been reluctant to follow this order, as wise it may be, as easy or logical it is, as he sees the unforgivable  flaw of being objective when dealing with human beings.

However I got a smack in my guts and a cut in my heart only the other day for my stance; when a patient of ours developed a surgical wound infection after waiting so long for the operation, after countless stabs and tests. I felt I was responsible for her, and as I tried to put a cannula in for the intravenous antibiotics; and failed the first time, and as I saw her expressionless face, cursed by this thing called Parkinson's disease, wince in pain, and those eyes shed tears for all the pain she has been through, being so old and fragile; I just nearly lost it. With a face full of regret, absolutely inappropriate for a doctor, I told her I needed to put another cannula in. And she replied with  a reluctant "fair enough..if it needs to be done..."

The second cannula went in quite easily (it was unusable the day after though) and I nearly laughed at myself for being so emotional about a cannula. Admittedly, it was a tough day that day, I was on the edge, anything could have pushed me over.

This kind of just reminded me of a bad habit that I have. It is the wanting and the feeling that I need to cater to other peoples' problems and emotional burdens. That I have this divinely appointed task of having to keep people happy, and if they don’t feel so, it is my fault. This must be a weird complex. And I am sure many people experience the same thing as I do; and to myself first and these people second, I give this advice.

It is not your responsibility to carry other people's emotional burdens.

You can try to do your best and treat others well, but know that you can try only so hard; in the end, those people are responsible for their emotional burdens. They are responsible for themselves. You can try to solve their problems, but you must not take responsibility of having to carry their emotional burdens.

For each their own tribulations; God tries those whom He  loves.

Aaand...On a happier note, I am buying myself things after things as a treat for my hardworking days at the hospital. Nizam did remind me to rewards myself, haha…because otherwise I won't be able to keep it up. Well, not that I mind spending my hard earned money on stuff for myself…seriously…not at all, I am going to buy a new tablet computer and a desktop.. but..give me a choice, the hospital is, at this point in time; still the place I want to work at.

I have no regrets. =)

Surgical intern (where is Isobel (reference to Grays Anatomy)???),
Azfar

On Living and Leaving a Trace

“The most beloved of people to Allaah is the one who is most helpful” 

(The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh))

It’s that time of the year again, people flock into each others houses, causing so much ruckus; the neighbours upon seeing that there are more than 60 people in that house for 6 can only try to close their eyes and go to sleep, cursing under their breaths, minty after that 2 minute brush before bed.

Haha ok that doesn't happen everywhere, only tonight when I went to an open house by the boys in Cameron St. People were playing table tennis outside and having loud conversations inside. If I were to be their neighbour I would be a bit pissed off. But hey! Its Eid!! Cut us some slack will ya?

Gents of Malay origin. We wear pyjamas with skirts because its Eid and we're so badass !

Yes ladies and gents, yesterday was Eid. A celebration marking the end of Ramadhan, giving thanks and exalting Allah for His Mercy upon us puny human beings as due to His Mercy, we have once again went through (hopefully) rigorous cleansing of our souls, minds and body. 30 days of constant meditation, optimism, anger management, gluttony control and remembering the ubiquitous blessings of Allah unto us.

Matching Baju Melayu. Bromance at its finest.

This year's celebration sees me in a bit of a different situation than years before. Namely, many of the friends I have celebrated Eids with these four years prior weren't there. Literally! Its either they've went back to Malaysia, or a wife, a wife and a kid, gone off to some other state or having a cursed presentation. Yesterday, in the mass of people, I actually felt isolated. And as a lady told me earlier this week "isolation amongst masses is the worst sort of isolation".  For this reason, I guess I would appear a bit smug anytime yesterday, as evident as  the constant checking of my mood by a good friend yesterday to which I answered "yeah…! I'm alright, why wouldn't I be?". I'm the worst mood concealer in the whole world!!!

Not that I am deprived of any friends to enjoy the festivities with, mind you, there were still many friends who were there.  I'm just picky that way. I know I'm really obnoxious.

This is Syafiq. He constantly asks me if I'm ok. I love him.

Owh well, this kinda reminds me of the time I have left here in Newcastle. I don’t know if I would be able to stay here after the end of this year. As heavy as my heart would be to leave this place I have now called home, my brain feels tired to trying to work ways of staying without an offer for a medical internship.

Which brings me to a point, I wonder if my being here for the five years have had any effect on the people around me. Have my presence brought anything positive to anyone at all ? To what degree ? Did I do something that would be made example of, or inspired someone to be better ? Did I make people smile ? Did I make people feel better about themselves ? Have I served to unite or have the things I have done divided ? It’s a question I ask myself whenever I feel like I am leaving somewhere.

Note that I still have 2 rotations to go through before I end med school. So this might be melodramatic, but I cant help to think that I just want an assurance that before I leave, I have done something someone thought really meaningful. This is not trickery to get people to comment on my comment-less blog, haha ! No….seriously…no. It's just a question I constantly ask myself, even before I go to bed at night. If death takes me under his wings before sunrise tomorrow, would I leave knowing that I have done good?

This is Br Kamal. He is so cool.

Owh ~ what is this kind of talk? So serious !!! Lets talk about the kinds of food that I have been shoving down my stomach since yesterday instead!

Ok to those people who feel the need to tell people about whatever food they have had for Eid this year, seriously guys….has there been any year since our births that we have had food any different to what we have ever had for Eid ?

But no I don’t object to talking about food. I just find this passive aggressive part of me really interesting to think about by myself whenever I have made a bitchy statement to someone. Haha !

Back to the topic, I think its something I need to tell people, and probably something that we need to stress more to people who newly arrive into a situation. That we need to make our presences count. To be of use to people around us, to be beneficial, to help to lift the burden off of our friends' shoulders, to be there in moments of despair and moments of happiness. Our presence don’t have to be noticeable, but they need to count. So that one day when your kids asked you "Daddy daddy…when you were in Uni, what did you do?" , instead of saying "Well mate, I studied ! And went to the gym! And then I slept and ate cheap bread because I was not so rich"; you can smile and reminisce on the cherished memories of you making differences in peoples' lives. And you can say "Well sweetie, I used to have lots of good friends, we grew together and taught each other stuff. We wanted to make changes to the world! We helped each other out when we were in trouble, we were more than friends, we were like blood brothers and sisters. And we wanted to make changes to ourselves, so we can make changes to the world so we can have a better place for you to live in "

Me shoving food down my throat. Hanif pointing to the ceiling. 

...the melodramatic kookaburra again flies above our heads... As if you are going to say stuff like that to your children! Well maybe not those exact words, but something similar I hope…Bahahaha !

Ok that’s enough ! I just want to make this point clear to everyone here. I understand that not everyone are suited and pre-programmed to be able to make loud, obvious and apparent contributions to the society they live in, but I believe the single person as the social unit have the power to influence their surroundings enough to make good more prevalent than evil.

I humbly now conclude my blog entry.

Eid during my first year in Newcastle

“The most beloved deed to Allah is making a Muslim happy” 

(Muhammad ibn Abdullah (pbuh))

Hoping to one day video record his room mate sleep talking,

Azfar

 p.s.: photographs taken from tagged photographs on Facebook. Will ask permission from owners tomorrow.

  

It's Tough Being a Girl

Have a listen to this dear ladies. Empowerment is on your way.

In the shade of Ramadhan

Greetings dearest readers, esteemed members of the virtual public who has clicked on the link of my blog for whatever reason.

I have, for many months lost a sense of wanting to write anything at all...~ I must blame this on the 9-5 hours of my clinical placement nowadays, being, to the opinion of my humble self and some of my colleagues and resident doctors in the ward, too dedicated doing bona fide tasks for my team.

Owh well....!! I have this perception (this may well count as a delusion) that if I give it all, maybe....just maybe....I'll be given the chance to start my medical career here. Don't know if that will work, hopeful though, am I.

In case no one noticed, the holy month of Ramadhan has again come, and with it the open doors of Paradise and abundance of forgiveness and rewards for the believing muslim. For this and to do a bit of updating and shoo-ing the spiders (not that I have problems with spiders, I love them) from my website, I have just decided to share this piece of video.

Happy Ramadhan people ! Fast physically and spiritually. Do good not only for yourself, but for others as well. Share more, laugh more, cry more, smile more, say more good things and love a whole lot more.

Love
Azfar

Like paper planes. 

You make it just to watch it fly as far away as it can from you. 

But at least you know that once,

you had something good in your hands.

And you now know,

and hope

that you can make another one, at least just as good 

for you to keep. 

 

 A story short, a love temporary, a memory everlasting.

No airbrushing. No autotune. No unnecessary display of the human flesh. 

Just simple and beautiful music.

p.s: and Zaid mate, this guy reminds me a bit of you. With the "i'm high on something I donno" look when he is singing.

On the Crying Child and the Screaming Maid. An Inconvenient Truth

 I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
O Lord please don't let me be misunderstood
Understood....
Understood....
(Oh Marcello, Regina Spektor)

There's this story about our neighbours, whom even after several years of moving into the house adjacent have never got into the neighbourhood mood with us, or anyone from our house. No exchanges of food during Ramadhan, no talking over the small brick wall that separates our houses, not even a mere greeting upon crossing eyes on the (oh ever so inconvenient) event of us being in front of our houses at the same time.

Upon asking mom about this unusual phenomenon (as I've been away in Australia since they first moved in), she told me about the story of the day everything started. It had to do with my dad.

Once upon a time., the neighbours had a maid at home caring for their children. Maids in Malaysia are basically domestic helpers usually from neighbouring South East Asian countries, who are often entrusted (too much trust I reckon) with the task of keeping the house clean and managing the house chores and also to care for the children. Households with maids are usually those where both parents work the usual office hours.

Being neighbours in the usual terrace house in Malaysia, you cant help but to hear loud noises coming from the adjacent unit, as the houses are just separated by probably some 3 layers of bricks. And on many occasions, my parents used to hear lots of crying and screaming from the house during day time. Specifically , the kids were doing the crying and the maid was doing the screaming.

And upon hearing these events repetitively, my father, being true to his origin of being a Malay, decided that one day we'll break the news to the parents (whom we didn't think knew what was happening while they were away at work) about our suspicion that something dodgy might be happening with the maid and the kids, ever so subtly.

And so one day, upon meeting them outside of the house, dad said, looking at one of the child "oh yang ni ke yg selalu nangis tu?" (which translates to: "oh is this the one that cries all the time?").  All in hopes that the father may pick up on the subtle hint and start thinking about asking further about the issue.

Well that didn’t work.

If anything happened at all, they just stopped interacting with the people from our house. It seemed that they did not appreciate my dad ringing a bell about the probable problem that they were possibly aware of.

However, the maid one day was changed with another maid for some reason I do not know, and do not wish to know, and the crying stopped.

And I heard from mom that she went over to the house next door the other day to visit them and their new baby. Oh joy.

What Im intending to share with you readers today has something to do with that story. Quite recently I was faced with the dilemma of having to tell people about something unpleasant. An inconvenient truth if you will.  Something not fun for the ears to hear, something uncomfortable for the eyes to see, and in this case specifically, something not tasty to the tongue.

This is what I sent two of my friends through the Facebook messaging system (This message had mixed Malay English words in them. Ill translate to English the whole thing):

Salam (friend name)

Just to enlighten (friend name) . incase (friend name) didn’t know. I feel a bit responsible to share with people about this. and I feel a bit hypocritical that we went to sydney for this but didn’t say anything to the people close to us about it.

That day when we went to the Global March to Jerusalem in sydney, the march and the protest was against Max Brenner. Reason being, Max Brenner is a company 100% owned by Israel and it specifically provides benefit and support to branches/teams in the Israeli army.

If you are interested in reading about Max Brenner, you can look up this site:
http://gm2j.com/main/blog/2012/03/30/activists-take-part-in-global-march-to-al-quds-in-australia/

There are companies that are not showing their support to Israel as obviously but the Max Brenner company supports the occupation clearly and proudly.

Just to let you know. (Yes their chocolate is amazing. Ive been there twice before i got to know of this fact) Because in the end the judgment call is wholly individual, based on what we believe and what we think is the right thing to do.

I personally believe that this is a personal choice and people shouldnt have a say on what other people eat or drink or how they spend their money, but just in case you didnt know. I hope though that you knowing this will make a difference.

and even if you decide to not go with this boycott, id appreciate that you dont unknowingly do promotions for them through facebook.

Salam 

Harsh….was it...? Definitely…! Or...

Well some of you may think its harsh, some may not. This depends on how much you know me. And the problem with reading text is that you miss on the intonation and melody of the sentences, you may not get the full picture of what you are reading. And how you interpret what you read unfortunately depends on your emotions at the time. And admittedly, reading something like this, coming out of no where, you would feel offended and hurt. Which is what happened to one of the person I sent this message to. And I'm sorry, dear friend.

Am I to write in length about using words correctly and grammatical and sentence structuring strategies that may be of value when you are trying to write a note to someone about an inconvenient truth? No.

I today would rather write about the struggle that I believe everyone face in this world. You, me, the people next door, the doctors, the politicians, the socialists, the police...Batman…(ok that’s

unnecessary). It’s the struggle of telling people about an inconvenient truth.  

Ignorance is bliss. Something you don’t know wont hurt you. Unfortunately though, something you don’t know may hurt other people. In this instance, us unknowingly spending lots at Max Brenner is directly contributing to the pain and suffering of many Palestinians. But oh well we don’t know them. Their pain and suffering is theirs. Why should I stop doing what I like for people I don’t know and whom I will probably never meet? And as I mentioned in my message to my friends, the decision on how to spend their dollars is their prerogative, no one should have a say in it.

I was merely suggesting that they look up the website in case they didn’t know what was happening, and the latter part, I must admit, sounded unnecessarily  cynical (but that wasn’t my intention at all, the words I used sounded alright to me at the time, honestly. But I have a heart of stone. So pardon me for being direct in my communications most of the time).  

It’s a hard thing really. I mean if you know something is wrong, do you then keep it to yourself; in an effort to make everything appear fun and fluffy and fine. Or do you speak out against it, speak for the truth; at the risk of sparking a misunderstanding  and igniting a relationship problem? It’s like a curse that plagues the people who knows things. Because knowing something and believing in it makes a person want to talk to others about it, its only human.

I guess to simply think about it, many people would have the opinion of consulting yourself about your priorities. Would you rather have something and risk the other? What are your priorities? Would you rather be scorned upon for telling an inconvenient truth? Or would you rather smile and pretend everything is ok? What are your priorities? What are the values that you hold on to?

Does this mean that everyone who are on a mission to tell people about inconvenient truths will be hated? 

Well I don’t think that is necessary. It all comes down to how well are we able to assert ourselves and our opinions to other people. How able are we in singing out sad lyrics in a happy melody? How able are we in tuning our music to our audience. 

An art too hard to master at this young age of mine.

Yours sincerely

Azfar

Its not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me

(The Batman, Batman Begins)