It must have been
three or four months since my last entry on this blog. For those who have been
anticipating my writing for the duration, I apologize for two things; firstly
for the silence, the presence of which has always scared me for I've always feared
the unknown. Secondly for the upcoming silences that I predict will happen over
this next year as I ease myself into this new and exciting part of my life.
Given the chance,
spirit, time, and a swanky new keyboard, I would love nothing more than to type
my experiences away for a shameless expose' of my life over the past few
months. The current circumstances though, dictate otherwise. Most nights I get
too tired to open my eyes after the clock strikes ten and my fingers crave
nothing more than just a handful of blanket while my mind whirled into sweet
respite, trying to forget the expectations of tomorrow and the mistakes of
today.
I am not by any
means trying to relay spite or hatred towards my occupation, in fact, I love it
! Yes, I get to do nothing more than secretary work day in and day out,
answering to superiors about things I cannot and could never control, things I
don’t fully understand about; but I find the successful difficult cannulas, the
prescribing of aperients to constipated patients to good effect, explaining
situations to people about themselves and families in ways that make them feel
calmer and safer, and supporting fellow interns on days when things get just
too much; absolutely joyful.
And during these
thirty days that I have started working; there have been days when things go
smoothly, expectedly, and unexpectedly
so. And these days make me feel grateful. On the other end though, there
have been days when shit happens, expectedly and unexpectedly, and so much so;
I felt that I was just barely keeping my head above the water.
This short period of
time has also shown me so much in practicality about the ethical issues that
were discussed in Uni.
Don’t get
emotionally involved with patients. That is what they have always taught us.
And this self has always been reluctant to follow this order, as wise it may
be, as easy or logical it is, as he sees the unforgivable flaw of being objective when dealing with
human beings.
However I got a
smack in my guts and a cut in my heart only the other day for my stance; when a
patient of ours developed a surgical wound infection after waiting so long for
the operation, after countless stabs and tests. I felt I was responsible for her,
and as I tried to put a cannula in for the intravenous antibiotics; and failed
the first time, and as I saw her expressionless face, cursed by this thing
called Parkinson's disease, wince in pain, and those eyes shed tears for all
the pain she has been through, being so old and fragile; I just nearly lost it.
With a face full of regret, absolutely inappropriate for a doctor, I told her I
needed to put another cannula in. And she replied with a reluctant "fair enough..if it needs to
be done..."
The second cannula
went in quite easily (it was unusable the day after though) and I nearly
laughed at myself for being so emotional about a cannula. Admittedly, it was a
tough day that day, I was on the edge, anything could have pushed me over.
This kind of just
reminded me of a bad habit that I have. It is the wanting and the feeling that
I need to cater to other peoples' problems and emotional burdens. That I have
this divinely appointed task of having to keep people happy, and if they don’t feel
so, it is my fault. This must be a weird complex. And I am sure many people
experience the same thing as I do; and to myself first and these people second,
I give this advice.
It is not your
responsibility to carry other people's emotional burdens.
You can try to do
your best and treat others well, but know that you can try only so hard; in the
end, those people are responsible for their emotional burdens. They are
responsible for themselves. You can try to solve their problems, but you must
not take responsibility of having to carry their emotional burdens.
For each their own
tribulations; God tries those whom He
loves.
Aaand...On a happier
note, I am buying myself things after things as a treat for my hardworking days
at the hospital. Nizam did remind me to rewards myself, haha…because otherwise
I won't be able to keep it up. Well, not that I mind spending my hard earned
money on stuff for myself…seriously…not at all, I am going to buy a new tablet
computer and a desktop.. but..give me a choice, the hospital is, at this point
in time; still the place I want to work at.
I have no regrets.
=)
Surgical intern (where is Isobel (reference to Grays Anatomy)???),
Azfar
Azfar
